It is nearing the Easter Seals telethon again, and the Arnold family wants to do their part in raising awareness and financial support for the organization that is making a huge investment in our daughter. We are so grateful for the work that they do, and are amazed at the progress that just keeps coming along for Libi. She has finally accomplished her goal of crawling in the last couple of months, and even appears a little prideful as she sits up on stools all by herself in the pictures below.
Would you consider partnering with us in helping Easter Seals continue their commitment to helping the challenged children of Central Illinois reach their potential. You can simply follow this link to Libi's fundraising page and click the "Make a Donation" button and your off to the races. Thank you all for your help.
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Well, some of you may not like this post, or may not agree. That's really okay. I have never been very good at "faking it" or pretending. I feel so compelled to be REAL about all that I have experienced since we have had the rich blessing of Haddie's arrival to our family.
Yes, it has been a rich blessing. Yes, she is a joy and adjusting well. YES, I DO love her. Do I "feel" all of the feelings that normally accompany those sentiments? No. Sadly, I do not. I know that I am not alone in this, and that what we are experiencing is normal. Though I did not know it before we left for China. I read books and knew there could be issues with bonding and attachment, but until it becomes your experience you can't understand it. I have never had this experience, nothing even close to it.
So you may wonder why I talk about it. I put it out there, because I feel that it may help someone else. I also know that it is just part of the story that God is writing. I also know that what stays in the darkness is the enemies playground and when brought to the light God will bring victory. It is very much a battle against the I think there are probably adoptions that are "disrupted" (people that don't finish the adoption, or finish it only to abandon the child a second time) or people that give up on bonding.
I will tell you that I have never struggled to have feelings in my heart toward any child ever. I know that seems like a pretty bold statement, but it is true. You know the rotten kids everyone has taught in Sunday School or tolerating for an afternoon playdate? I have never had one of those kids. I have always been able to feel love for a child and act out of that feeling in my heart. Here is where the post gets difficult. Yes, I can have the action with Haddie, but I don't always have the feeling. It is the most empty and strange experience that comes with an enormous load of guilt. I literally felt more in my heart when I would look at her pictures before she was in my arms. Is that because I romanticized or imagined something that is not my reality. For some, the answer to that question may be yes. For me, the answer is no. Haddie truly is more than we could have asked for or imagined. She is delightful! She is a perfect fit in our home. What, then, is the problem? The problem is simple, you cannot force your heart to bond. Sometimes it may happen in an instant, and other times it may take years. I don't have all the answers, but I know the horrible feelings of the process.
What do you feel when you don't have the "feelings"?
judged
guilty
crazy
heartbroken
frustrated
depressed
unstable
like your in a battle
HOPEFUL!
Yes, I am hopeful. I KNOW the feelings will come. I see it happening little by little. I also know that God will finish this work that He has started. I have seen and heard testimony of those who walk on the other side of it. So, we are not there yet, but we will be!
Psalm 73
21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. 22 I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. 23 Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. 26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
27 Those who desert him will perish, for you destroy those who abandon you. 28 But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.
Libi has added a new talent to her list of the amazing. She continues to make strides and we will be posting a video soon. You know we are so in awe of what we see the Lord doing in this little girl! We were at her Neurologist and she decided that she would take on the footstool and she conquered it! She has gained the strength to sit for long periods of time and she quite enjoys herself. She mastered this just over a week ago and we are stepping it up to the next level. We have begun working on moving into standing from the sitting position. She is doing very well and needs minimal assistance with this movement. Keep praising and praying! (This was not a dress she was wearing in the dead of winter...we were waiting to see the Dr....I know my mom will be concerned about her being cold. :))
Life gets a little crazy with 5 kiddos. It has been an adjustment, but I think we will get there in the next year or so. LOL! We really are doing well.
We had the great JOY of celebrating Haddie's 7th birthday! How thankful we were for that gift. I couldn't help but think about that number...7!!! At times I have found myself thinking of these 7 years without Haddie with different thoughts and emotions. Sunday gave me new thoughts and emotions that overwhelmed my heart with praise. In Scripture, 7 symbolizes completeness or perfection! It is also the year of JUBILEE! In Deuteronomy 15:1-18, the 7th year is called the LORD'S release, and all debts are to be forgiven. The reason for this law is to relieve the poor. WOW! How significant this is to the timing of the Lord bringing our girl home to us. The year of her release! Her birth into our family brings completeness to our family that is all a part of His perfect plan!
Haddie continues to be delightful. She really is a sweet girl. She loves to help. She will work her way right into whatever I am doing if she sees an opportunity to help. Her zest for life makes me laugh out loud. When she goes at a task she will hold nothing back. For example, tonight as I was heading down the stairs with Libi and had a zillion things in tow, I went to grab something else to carry down. Haddie steps up and pushes my hand away shaking her head “no”…very insistant that I not carry anything else…she would handle it. I keep asking her what I ever did without her.
I have never seen a child that smiles so much. She is so happy. I believe that it is really the overflow of her heart. When we would look at the somber faced little girl in our referral pictures Brad would pray that God would bring a smile to that face. Bring a smile He has! That girl is just simply “happy”! We do see some behaviors which go right in line with post institutionalized issues that you would see with an older adopted child. We are thankful for the insight that God has given us into these behaviors and ask that you would pray for us as we seek Him to guide us.
Bonding? Well, it is progressing. A friend had shared with me early on that Haddie would probably bond faster with me than I would with her. I never expected this. It really doesn’t “feel” good. I fight feelings of frustration and guilt on a daily basis. One thing that has been hard for me to get used to is Haddie being on my heels ALL day long. She is truly joined at my hip. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t trip over her or run her into a wall. Yesterday I was sick in bed all day. While in bed she came to visit me a couple of times and my heart ached. I wanted to pull her into bed with me and kiss her sweet little face. I really missed her. I laid there and thought, “What is wrong with you?” Just yesterday I was telling Brad that I needed a break. Well, I realized that there was not a thing wrong with me. I was simply missing my girl because I love her. This may not seem significant to you, but it was a moment. One of THE moments! You see, in the process of bonding you will have moments that draw your heart deeper in. You can actually FEEL it…REALLY! Now, don’t get me wrong, I do think I enjoyed being sick yesterday more than I ever have! Seriously, to lie in bed and not have to do anything, to be ALONE! It was refreshing…how crazy…the flu was refreshing???? Thank you God for the break!
We are busy with basketball games right now. I love going to watch Jacob and Jack play. I don’t think I will ever catch on to the game. That may make some of you laugh, but it really moves too fast for me. I can usually tell when one of my boys has done something good, and then I holler my praise from the stands. I think that is all that really matters. Libi and Haddie enjoy going to the games. Actually, Haddie enjoys going anywhere. She is the first one at the door with shoes, coat and bag. She cracks me up!
I am proud of those Arnold boys. We had some frank conversation the other night about being the “biological” kids. It is not always easy. In the last 5 years these guys have had an unwed mother move in, loved and let go of their sweet sister, welcomed home a mentally handicapped sister, and an older sister with special needs. Let’s be real, all of this has not been easy for their parents in their 30’s…well, one in their 30’s Seriously, I know that God has begun a good work in these guys especially over these last 5 years and He will be faithful to complete it in them. They have learned that the hard thing can be the BLESSED thing. They have learned that there is JOY in the midst of sorrow. They have learned more about God and who He is over these last 5 years than I could have ever taught them. Thank You Jesus! Continue Your work!!
Happy New Year! I felt it was time to bring all the news to one main blog. It has been good to separate the journeys of each of the girls, but I feel it is now time to bring us together as a family.
Things are continuing to go very well as we adjust and bond here. Haddie is a true delight! I cannot believe where my heart and head have been over these last 3 weeks. I think back just 3 and a half weeks ago when she was birthed into our arms and I am amazed at what has happened. We have only been home a week and it feels like she has been home so much longer. Coming home was a marker moment for she and I. We both needed to come home to really begin our bonding process. I know I was not myself in China and it seems that she was not either.
Let's talk straight. I hope that this is all understood when it is read. I feel that it needs to be said. I know that our blog is read by others who will journey or have journeyed similar adoption roads. With that being the case I feel that we learn from one another. SO...I am going to tell you what has been happening in my mama heart. The good, the bad and the ugly...
Let's go back 3 and a half weeks...
As I walked up the stairs to the Civil Affairs Office in China I could barely fight the emotion welling up in my heart. I was overcome as I walked through the doors and saw my little girl for the first time, in the flesh! What a beautiful girl with a radiant smile. It was very clear that she was excited to meet her family. As I held her it did not feel like I expected it to. I thought it would be more comfortable. She did not relax in my arms. She wiggled around on my lap and seemed that she could not sit still. She was not filthy, but she was not clean either. As she played I could tell that she was "wirey". I found that I was struggling to connect with her. Little girl things I pulled out of her backpack seemed foreign to her. Lip gloss didn't even get a second look. I was okay with that. I have raised 3 boys, if she was interested in throwing the ball I can do that. We moved toward the activity of throwing the ball and there were moments where she was aggressive and it made my stomach turn. I kept reminding myself that the first 24 hours are not the best. I knew that my daughter was just trying to cope with all that was happening around her. THEN...the moment came. she hit me. Oh my! What to do with that. Just before she hit me I had taken her to the restroom and she had lept into my arms with a hug and a kiss. What changed? I did not know at that time that she would not freely extend affection toward me again until we arrived home.
Over the next few days she would reject my hand and call for her "baba". She made it clear that she adored him and tolerated me. It crushed me. I was struggling with my feelings. My heart was not feeling what it had felt when I would look at those pictures of her before we arrived in China. I would lay next to her at night and she would turn away from me. I would cry myself to sleep. My prayer became, Lord, help me to like her. Can you believe this? I couldn't! I couldn't understand why my heart was struggling. The reality is that it was and it felt awful. I was overwhelmed with guilt because of it. I had read enough that I knew in my head this struggle existed for others, but you cannot know it fully in your heart. One night I spent an hour over the toilet, physically ill over all of it.
Due to great wisdom while in China Brad and I became intentional with our efforts for bonding and attachment. Brad pretty much stepped into the shadows. We knew that it was good for Haddie to form a strong attachment with me first and then Brad. I took care of all "needs". I dressed her, wiped her, filled her plates, gave her drinks. Now, there are many of those things that Haddie could do for herself, but we felt it was vital that she become dependant on me to meet those needs. Almost taking her back to infancy in any way that we could. She embraced it. It became what she expected. She would not go into the bathroom without taking me along. She looked to me when she was thirsty, tired or hungry. She seemed okay with most of it when we were in the hotel room, but when we went out she wanted her baba. Brad began to direct her to me. Within a day she knew to take my hand and not Brad's. When she would freely offer hugs and kisses to Brad he would say thank you and tell her to give mama some sugar. In China she new the "routine", but I knew she would still rather be with baba.
So what now? There has been a complete 180! I give great praise to God for what He has done. I know that what Haddie and I are experiencing now is not the "norm". It can take months and years to form attachment and warm feelings of love with adopted children. It seems this process is even more difficult the older the child is. So, I am not taking anything for granted! I am amazed and I know this is the work of a Mighty God!!
She and I are having quite a time together. The last 2 days we have connected on new levels that have drawn our hearts together. I don't feel like I am "forcing" things without the feelings to back it up. That is a very wonderful feeling! She does sit still! :) We have played play dough, colored, Candyland, Chutes and Ladders...everything we have done is full of smiles. She knows how to enjoy the moment! Yesterday she had a great play date with 3 little friends. She continues to pull their picture out and point to each of them wanting me to say their names. She is very smart. She knows her letters and how to write her name. She can use scissors very well. I am just amazed at each new thing I see her do. She likes when I teach her something new. I feel that her language will come quickly. She does have a LONG road ahead of her with her speech. We will begin to tackle all of that stuff in another week: getting appointments set up and all of that fun stuff.
She really is such a precious little girl. She is a hard worker. She and I took a trip to Sam's last night and she thought that was a blast! She enjoyed being with mama. She loved hauling the bulk items into the cart and when we got home she was carrying things bigger than herself up the stairs. She LOVES to help! She is so aware of what I am doing at all times and if she can help me she will. It makes me laugh out loud sometimes how considerate she is. What a delight she is!
I will take a moment once again and say thank you to each of you who have supported us with prayer and encouragement. We are so blessed by you! May this New Year find us all ready to answer His call and watchful for His return!!
